India: Yoga daze = no panic attack?

10th February

Yin yoga, Vinyasa flow, Hatha yoga, Ashtanga yoga, Iyengar yoga, Restorative yoga, meditation… we’ve tried and tested quite a few variations out here in heart-warming India.

We’ve also sampled plenty of the local food. Man, I love Indian food. Gimme something lentil based, a serving of freshly made naan, a questionable pickle array and I’m all yours. Only £1 you say? I’m definitely yours….


AND THEN A 10p CHAI TEA THAT’S IN THE TOP 10 MOST DELICIOUS THINGS I’VE EVER HAD? WHY THE HELL NOT. (Below is our favourite roadside chai stall served by our favourite chai lady. She didn’t say much but she had such a kind smile and her chai making skills were award winning (according to my tastebuds anyway).


Everything is so very cheap here. Although I didn’t expect to buy quite so much. The bedding and fabrics are so gorgeous out here… I may have gone a little overboard (think handmade kingsized bedspread, pillows, the lot!) So much so, I may have to buy another suitcase home. That will cost an arm and a leg. MY BAD. (But yay ‘memories’….right?)


Now I didn’t come out here to furnish my future home. I came here for yoga. Here’s an extract from my handwritten diary: “If I’m completely honest I’ve neglected the diary for a few days. That doesn’t really need to be a confession, does it? As it is pretty obvious from the dates. I’ve been in a blissful yoga daze, unaware of time. Unaware of time going so quickly. Unaware of my fears.”

From practising yoga so intensely out here, I have learned so much. Not in terms of perfecting the headstand or being able to open my legs wider or wrap my feet around the back of my head. NONE OF THAT. (seriously, can’t do any of that anyway). That’s what I have learned…..None of that really matters. You see, how yoga poses look aesthetically, really is secondary. Yoga is about you and how you feel inside. We are always feeling different, therefore each yoga practice will be a unique learning experience. You could be the strongest, most flexible person in the world – but that doesn’t suggest at all that you would be ‘good’ at yoga. You can’t really be ‘good’ at yoga. It is something that you practise. If you’ve never tried it before I cannot recommend it enough. Since practising yoga regularly my mental health has seen significant improvements. Decreased anxiety. Increased positivity. Through practising, I’m learning to slow down, appreciate things and learn what is worth putting energy into getting worried about, and what isn’t. (99% of things fall into the ‘isn’t’ category).

For me, words and advice are great and inspiring. But ALWAYS easier said than done as the mind is so complex. YOGA however, working with the body and the mind, starts to put it all into practise – much more so than a motivating meme on Instagram, even more than a therapy session can ever do.

Oh dear, I’m writing too much. I’m getting carried away. Let us finish on a light-hearted note. (I say light-hearted but it actually had the potential to be a near death experience).

Ehem. So, it’s the last day. The yoga in India has come to an end. I’m walking along the beach (alone) watching the sunrise. As I walk over the sand, I happen to be carrying my favourite black jumper in my hand. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a wild dog snaps his teeth onto my jumper. For a few seconds we pull on the beloved material back and forth, back and forth. He’s dribbling. His eyes are wide. His teeth are big.

*Enter about 7 other angry, hungry dogs.

I immediately let go. Catch my breath.

Maybe it’s the yoga daze, but I’m genuinely not scared. I just watch the pack of wild dogs fighting, snarling over my jumper (did I mention it was my favourite?) and ripping it to shreds.

Goodbye India. Goodbye jumper.

I really don’t want to leave but I think this will be my last blog post for India. I could write and write and just keep writing but I think more of a poetic summary is best.

the sides of our lips
towards the Indian sun

sparks alight our hips
during the vinyasa flow

synchronised passions bloom & dip
then down

“we are beautifully imperfect”

the sides of our lips
towards the Indian sun






Suncream required when sitting on the loo

5th February, 2018

It’s always a fine line with poo jokes as to how much detail I can / should go into on this blog. Being respectful of the more reserved, I’ll keep it fairly low key.

Ever heard of Delhi belly? I haven’t.

Literally, WHO gets constipated in India?

Who has a 3 day no show in INDIA?

(Me apparently).


We’re right on the beach. No floors – just sand. Open toilets and showers (brilliant for passers by wanting sound effects). Keeping my promise of holding back extravagant descriptions (for the more reserved readers amongst you) In summary,  I’m uncomfortable. I’m being careful though, making sure I lather my scalp in suncream each time I ‘try to go.’ Like I said – open air toilets….35 degree heat. That sun on my head and my thighs is HOT.

My little bloated belly and I are still getting fully immersed in all the yoga though. It being a yoga & meditation centre, that is what I’m here for.

Our afternoon / evening yoga session was 90 mins of Yin Yoga. I’ve done this style of practise only once before (in Bali). It is where you hold each pose for 5 – 8 MINUTES. Long. Slow. Deep. Feelin dat burn. 2 minutes in you’re like, this is easy, this is totally fine, this is, ow, ow, this is actually quite uncomfortable. (Then by 7 minutes, shaking) DEAR LORD MAKE IT STOP.

Unlike most yoga, when you need to be gentle with yourself and listen to your body, we learned with Yin, if it is COMFORTABLE, you’re not doing it right. (of course if anything is sharp or stabbing then stop!) But for the benefits of Yin: you need to burn.

It is the discomfort of Yin that is a blessing for helping to train your mind to deal with uncomfortable moments in life. Don’t give up. Hang on in there. Yes it hurts but you are strong. This pain won’t last forever.

Holding the posture for so long works your inner muscles and body so deeply to the point when your muscles actually give up and let go. This sensation of truly sinking into the floor is a-a-amazing. It is the feeling of the fascia (connective tissue) releasing that is really intense. The teacher warned us at the start of the class that because it is so intense, it is not uncommon that unexplained sensations or emotions from the unconscious may be brought up. After the intensity of some Yin poses (especially vulnerable positions such as chest / heart opening), some people may laugh, some may burst into tears and they cannot explain why.

“Ha! What a load of old rubbish” I thought. How melodramatic.

Apparently not. The joke’s on me. At the end of the session I was blubbering like a baby – trying to be discreet, whilst in child’s pose, dribbling dribble and streaming snot into my yoga mat, hoping that nobody would see. My tears after Yin were for reasons I can guess but don’t want to think about too much… However, after the 90 mins of Yin and fascia release, I felt lighter, more relaxed and genuinely happier, more positive and grateful about the future.

(Still constipated though….)




Having an ugly baby whilst travelling to India

2nd February 2018

A few hours ago, on the train to Manchester, I wrote the date in the top right hand corner of my diary. I then gave a long pause; stared out the train window, trying to look all wise, hoping that some profound, or perhaps witty introduction would come.

It didn’t.

I swiftly closed the diary and placed it back in my tatty rucksack.

Some 7 hours later, on the plane to Goa, my pen returns to the page.


My 7 hour brain delay irritates me. Why could I not write something before? Why could I not just live in the moment and go with the flow – accepting whatever may arise onto the page – whether that be brilliance, or utter crap.

Then being irritated irritates me – this ‘obsession’ to achieve perfection.

This ‘obsession’ for things to be good, great, perfect. Why can I not trust what my Second Year Playwriting tutor taught us? (Sounds a bit off-piste, I know, but hear me out…)

You see, to prevent the dreaded ‘Writer’s block’, in class, she repeatedly told us, loud n’clear: ‘HAVE THE UGLY BABY.’

Have the ugly baby. Have the ugly baby. This translates to — For goodness sake just write something down. It will probably be ugly, messy and shit, but you can tidy it up later. Be brave, do it now. Yes it may be ugly, but it will be authentic and you know what? That is really beautiful.

I truly love that advice from Poppy (the Second Year Playwriting tutor). The problem is, I heard Poppy’s advice but I didn’t really listen to it. It goes without saying that ‘having the ugly baby’ in terms of writing is likely to make you a braver, more innovative writer as it will nudge you to write more and more and thus, hone your skills. What I didn’t realise though, until sat on the plane to Goa 4 years later, was that Poppy’s advice of having the ugly baby can refer to… life.

To live in the moment

To feel blessed that what will be, will be

To accept your frequent mistakes, your frequent ugliness. For this frequent ugliness is real and authentic.

Authentic is beautiful.

Ironically, the desire to feel comfortable with the here and now is why I’m on the plane to India in the first place. I’m heading towards Patnem beach to stay at a Yoga / Meditation centre – something I have wanted to do for a few years now.

Like so many others, each day, I struggle but fight with anxiety. Yoga practice helps me – strongly and deeply helps. I’m heading to a retreat to develop my understanding of the practice and to help train my mind and body that all that really matters in life is THIS moment; even if it’s ugly…

(Speaking of ugly… Literally what was that plane food? Powdered egg and an indescribable sauce marinated in fart).

Underwhelmed with the plane food, OVERWHELMED at the fact I’m about to immerse myself in a week of no technology, no social media, no nonsense. Just yoga, sunshine, local curry, more yoga, more yoga, more yoga