A Crying Criminal, A Boss with Botox and 110 horses

11th March

So I’ve spontaneously decided to work on a stud farm for a week and a bit with Connie. We venture to the farm (about 50 mins from the centre on the train). Dilemma 1: Connie loses her Myki card (a bit like an Oyster card) and has to purchase a new one.

Dilemma 2: we arrive in the dark, waiting for a lift from Shelia (our boss / owner of the stud). We’re approached by some guy who’s just got out of jail. His name is Blair. He tries to shake my hand and I am reluctant.

“Erm. Hi Blair.”

“Do yous minds if I sits down with yous?”

Me and Connie look at each other and then spot two policemen coming our way.

“Sure.”

Blair then tells us his life story. How he’s just been let out of jail and how the other day he caught his best friend sleeping with his girlfriend in his bed when he returned home. Blair then starts to cry.

“Is this man bothering you girls?” One of the policemen asks. Before we can answer, Blair gets in a strop and starts swearing at the policemen left, right and centre. The policemen take him away.

5 minutes later he shimmies around the corner. “Yay, I didn’t get arrested!” (Those were his actual words).

Finally, Shelia arrives. We’re safely in the car. Connie had warned me about Shelia and I thought she might have been exaggerating. She wasn’t. Let me paint a very realistic picture for you… Shelia is in her mid sixties. Head to toe plastic surgery – Botox, fat lips, huge boobs, false eyelashes, false nails, false bleach blonde hair. She has a screechy Australian accent and uses intonation in all the wrong places. She seems nice though…

Word on the street is, she used to have a drug addiction. Successful, millionaire Daddy helped her out by buying her a couple of horses, to give her something to focus on. 30 years later her addictive personality has turned to breeding foals. 110 horses later and, here we are. All her staff have quit. So, present day: me, Connie and 110 horses. I can’t wait for what this week will bring…

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